


Seven Hours Of Ethereal

by alwayslimerent



Category: Fiction - Fandom, Romance - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Fiction, Romance, Seven hours of ethereal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 06:57:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9872519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwayslimerent/pseuds/alwayslimerent
Summary: Lillian. He felt fire whenever she was around. He was mesmerized by her beauty. Lydia. He felt like she was a hurricane. Zoe. She was tired of the past. James. She felt curious whenever she saw his face. Brandon. He was tired of being ignored.All these people have one thing in common: They are all scared to interfere with fate.





	1. Chapter 1

It was a Tuesday. I remember it clearly. I was leaving Chemistry, talking to Jordan on my way to Choir. I loved to sing, it let out all of my emotions of stress, and all my built up emotions I got whenever I thought about the idea of Lillian. Choir was fourth period. Her choir was right next to mine. Their voices were so loud and unified, that I could almost hear her singing. All of the female voices altogether just sounded like Lillian. One gargantuan Lillian-god singing. One day we almost bumped into each other when the bell rang to go to lunch. She walked out and stopped at the door, looking up at me, the fluorescent lights reflecting off of her pale blue eyes. I never knew they were blue. I'd imagined her with green eyes that whole time, since they looked emerald green that time she talked to me. She looked dovelike, dewy-eyed, and naive. Her hair was curly, which was my favorite hairstyle on her. She was wearing her green cardigan. I smiled at her and she walked up to the teacher to talk to him. That interaction was absolutely nothing to outsiders, or her, but absolutely everything to me.

 

Jordan was talking about the solo auditions he had to do in first period. Lillian was in two choirs, and so was Jordan. Lillian and Jordan were in the same choir in first period. He was lucky, but then again I would never be able to concentrate. My GPA needed me to be as far away from Lillian as possible. But, I needed a break from my GPA. I wanted to know Lillian. A friend of her's was in my choir. She actually sat next to her at lunch. I had always wondered what they talked about at lunch. Hopefully, how theres not this creep that won't take his eyes off of Lillian and gets weird when he gets the sense that maybe she'll be around somewhere. 

"I think if I didn't get the solo, then Lillian probably did."

Lillian. I had an excuse to speak of her.

"I'm sorry, but who?" I asked. Just to hear Jordan say her name again.

"Lillian. Lillian Adams." Jordan said, like it was obvious. 

"She is..." I trailed off in deep thought as we were walking. "...perfect."

"I know. But, I heard she's...not the nicest person." Brandon said.

I hated hearing that. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the assumption that Lillian was ... I hate to say the word..."bitchy". I did not want my idea of Lillian to change. I was never going to let some idiotic assumption about Lillian change my daydreams of her. Lillian could crush my heart into pieces and I would be glowing about it for months. At least she would have had to have my heart first. And she would have to acknowledge my existence. The concept that irked my mind the most is that I've never heard stories. Usually someone would spread a story about how Lillian flipped someone off while trying to get out of the school parking lot, or of how Lillian accidentally said in a locker room how terrible someone's voice was. But, I haven't heard anything. From my observations, Lillian seemed very reserved. But, at the computer lab, I remember her being funny. She was rapidly clicking everywhere, bright-eyed and confused, repeating the word "what the..." in the most humorously stressed voice. I just sat there, and smiled and laughed a little, and immediately forgot where I was. That girl could never be bitchy to me. I did not see it. 

"Have you talked to her?" I asked.

"No, not really. She kind of doesn't pay much attention to me. Only to her close friends, really." Jordan said. Brandon just shrugged his shoulders. 

"Then you don't know." I said. 

Then, I saw Lillian. She always looked behind her, like she was scared someone was going to attack her. Her green backpack looked gorgeous with her hair. Maybe green was her favorite color. I had imagined what she looked like laying in a pasture of grass and daisies, making a wish and blowing a dandelion. She was wearing her glasses and an emerald green shirt. Her hair was straight. 

I had hoped that during her periods of looking back, whether or not she noticed me staring back.


	2. Chapter 2

Lunch. That was my favorite part of the day. Not because I finally paid attention to my abrupt hunger, or because I got to talk to Brandon and Alex, but of course because I had the perfect view of Lillian.   
Brandon and Alex were flipping through last year's yearbook, laughing at failed pictures that were taken. 

"Hey James, look at these pictures from last year's musical." Brandon slid the yearbook to me. The first thing I saw was a picture of Lillian, wearing a blue dress, singing. She was wearing red lipstick. 

When I looked up, Lillian looked at me for a split second, while still talking to her friend. My heart started racing. When I walked out of lunch, we walked out at the same time.   
The next day in first period, I saw Lillian walk in. She looked beautiful, wearing her rust - colored flannel wrapped around her the waist of her grey t-shirt. Her eyes reminded me of that time I bumped into her a few weeks ago after fourth period. I didn't worry about her seeing me, there were plenty of her friends around me, who she would probably be more interested in noticing. I felt transparent, like invisible ink when she was around.   
"Why didn't you text me?" I heard Lillian say. Her voice sounded more deep than I've expected it to sound, during the months and months since I've heard her speak to me in the computer lab and all the times I've heard her in performances. I never thought it was possible to hear a deep, authoritive voice that had such elegance to it.   
The mandala effect happened again. I didn't know whether Lillian was actually looking at me, or if she was just looking in my direction, or if it was all in my imagination.   
She was talking to the teacher about the musical, while I just stood there, in silent awe, pondering away how such of a coincidence it was to just have Lillian show up. Out of nowhere.   
The next day, we were going inside of her choir room. For someone who's been deeply infatuated with Lillian for almost a year, I was suprisingly calm. Maybe that was the facade I was showing so no one would know what madness was going on in my mind.   
We were all completely silent, just watching them sing. I was by the door.   
Then, I felt someone touch my shoulder.   
It was Lillian. Wearing a grey sweater and her glasses on her forehead. Her rusty hair was curly. She looked like she was about to burst out laughing, squirming her way through all of us. She whispered frantically while trying not to laugh "Excuse me" and completely saw past me. Her arms were so strong as they pushed me to the wall, but they were still so gentle.   
After she dissappeared in the crowd of people to get to her choir, I never saw her again in fourth period.   
At lunch, she almost looked completely different. She was wearing a deep red lipstick, and she was wearing her glasses. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Everyday my attention became more and more glued to her, drawn to her like a magnet.   
For a moment, I could feel her eyes on me. For a moment, I didn't feel insane.   
Lillian was a beautiful paradox. Strong but gentle. Funny but perceived as rude. Elegant but deep voice.   
She noticed me, but she didn't.


	3. Chapter 3

"Lillian Adams. Request Follow." I stared at her profile picture. It was still the black and white picture of her laughing. I was about to request her follow after what had happened last week, since she said two words. 'She'll never know who I am. She could never see me from that far. If so , she would think I'm that guy that stalks her. And stares at her in lunch.' My mind raced through jumbles of those words over and over again. I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand not being with her. Or just her not knowing I exist.   
I wanted to just have a conversation with her. I wanted to hold her delicate porcelain hands. I wanted to run my fingers through her rusty caramel hair. I wanted to see her smile day and night. And see the way her nose crinkled when she laughed. And see her look across from the lunch table at me. I wanted to know what went on in her mind. Lillian was like a kalidescope of colors in a sunset of fire. The flamboyancy in her flames would leave me with flushed cheeks and cold hands. I wanted my arms around her waist. I loved her so much.  
But, I didn't love her. Because I didn't know her. I was infatuated with her. Too infatuated. And, that was the thing. I wanted all of those things with Lillian. I didn't need any of it.   
I didn't need Lillian. But, my heart did. I used to believe my heart and my brain were a paradox, like Lillian was. Always at war with each other; emotion versus logistics. Then, I later learned that technically your brain controls your emotions, and just orders you to be infatuated with people. Then, I realized the only thing to blame was the gullibility of myself to get "artificially involved" with Lillian.   
"I guess I'm in the musical." Jordan said as we were walking to choir. I did try out, but I know didn't get in. I know for a fact Lillian did. It would be a scandal to have production without Lillian. Even if the school announcements don't have her featured, they're not worth watching.  
"That's nice. What part did you get?" I asked.  
"I don't know. Probably someone not important."  
"Well I guess we found this year's Theatre Asshole." I shrugged and stopped paying attention when I saw Lillian walk in.   
"For Christ's sake, James would you stop being a creep? Stare at me while I'm talking, not at girls who are talking to their friends and wondering why you're staring." Jordan yelled.   
"Sorry, there's just a lot going on right now." I stared softly. And there was. Lillian was almost right in front of me. I swear I saw her looking at me. I didn't want to know the truth because I was horrified of being dissappointed.   
What if Lillian really does seem...bitchy? What if everything I've imagined her to be is everything she's not? I stood outside my choir room and saw her walk in.   
I walked past the cast list for the musical. I saw Lillian's name. Then, I saw Brandon's. He played Lillian's love interest. As I looked down my heart dropped in my stomach.   
I looked at my phone again and stared at what was on my phone.   
Still, "Lillian Adams. Request Follow."   
I was about to do it. I was about to press the button. My heart made my hands shake like leaves in the autumn. Lillian was like the autumn.   
I panicked. I exited out of the app, without doing anything.


	4. Chapter 4

There was tension between my heart and Brandon. I got so irritated at the thought of watching Brandon be Lillian's love interest. I looked down at my phone once again. One message from Brandon.   
'Hey, did you get in the musical?' He asked. I didn't even bother to respond because I didn't know how to.   
I opened Lillian's profile. "Request Follow." I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't keep guessing anymore. I wanted to see her smile at the spur of a moment. Even if it were to happen once in a blue moon I would still be content.   
I did it. I quickly pressed the button. The button turned grey. Those miliseconds spent pressing that button, I felt the amount of adrenaline you would feel jumping off a skyrocket.   
Those minutes spent looking at my ceiling felt like hours. Hours started feeling like days.   
There was a knock at the door. I tripped over all my books and notebooks that blanketed my floor. During my free time all I did was write poetry, and if I had writer's block, I would read poetry. Jordan was really my only friend. Brandon, I wasn't absolutely sure about at the moment. Alex and I talked, but we really didn't have much in common.   
I'm suprised Alex isn't considered to have at least a case of slight dwarfism. His hair always covered his face and he was only around five feet tall. He could never actually get a date, due to women almost always being taller than him. He felt resentful toward any man that actually hit puberty. His voice hasn't even started cracking yet. We took him in since Alex and I are both literature geeks and we talk at lunch, when I'm at least trying not to stare at Lillian.   
While eating my mediocre chicken sandwich today, I noticed Lillian staring at me. This time, I was sure of it. She stared at me for more than a milisecond. I knew it in my heart.  
"Hey man I texted you." Those words just reminded me of Lillian. That time where she just showed up out of nowhere in first period.   
I dazed off, thinking about her as Brandon walked in.   
"Are you even listening to me right now? What is up with you lately?" Brandon shouted at me.   
"Nothing." I always said whenever someone would ask me what was wrong, or anything about my mental well being. Because that's what my mild case of depression felt like. Nothingness. And in that nothingness, there was a small candlelight of fire that was Lillian.   
"You always say that." Brandon scoffed.  
"I know." I snatched a diet coke from the refrigerator.   
Brandon sat on the counter, looking around.   
"So, the musical." Brandon began.  
"No." I cut him off.   
Brandon asked me what was wrong once again, and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He asked why, and that's when I just changed the subject to "I need to do my homework." Which was always an excuse for anyone to leave me alone and pretend I don't exist for at least three hours. The only person I didn't want to shut out was Lillian. But, she was one of the very few that followed the rules. And I didn't want her to.


	5. Chapter 5

A few minutes after Brandon opened a diet coke and started talking about the musical anyway, was the minute I stopped listening to him. My phone notification went off, so I grabbed it out of my pocket and saw Lillian's picture. The black and white picture of her laughing. 

Lillian had requested to follow me. 

While trying not to show any emotion, I pressed the green check mark next to her picture. I probably went through every picture of hers since she accepted my follow request. She smiled so beautifully, and almost every picture had her smile in it.   
But, I now could add even more to my imaginary soliloquy of Lillian.

She loved her best friend, who had a cliché boyfriend who would do anything for her. She also took as many advanced placement classes as possible. Every comment on every picture was almost always the words that I would tell her every day. You're beautiful. You're perfect. I miss you. 

How can one miss a person they've never met? Only seeing throughout the ambiance of school? 

Lillian loved to take pictures of herself. And I loved looking at them. Every day her hair was styled differently (which I kind of already noticed). 

But, what I noticed was that Lillian was an introvert. That didn't mean that she was timid, but she just wasn't around people that much. She was actually awkward. Like me.  
"We could be awkward together" I thought. "We could sit alone in the auditorium after school and just stare at the stage. We could be social outcasts together." Alas, none of my thoughts would ever come true, I thought. 

Brandon got pissed at me because I decided not to listen about the musical. He always gets pissed at thr littlest things. The man is timid and all, but god forbid you disagree with him or ignore him and his temper explodes like a fucking volcano. All I really wanted to do was look through Lillian's pictures. He ended up leaving and slamming the door in my face. 

The next day, Lillian was staring at me at Lunch. I knew it wasn't all in my imagination. She ignored her friends talking like I always did when I looked at her. In that moment, I felt that we were the only two people in the cafeteria. Her friend had to wave her hand in front of her eyes to get her back to the real world. The tragic world. Alex had to do the same. Alex always had to have terribly-obviously-sarcastic remarks to everything. Alex tried too hard and it was starting to agitate the shit out of me. 

The next day, Lillian was talking to a man rather taller than me, looking up at him hopelessly. My heart started pounding. She saw me passing by, simply like another car on the street, and glanced at me. I quickly walked away with charisma. 

I didn't have a clue as to even why Brandon tried out. All he did was sit in his room all day, watch basketball, and text me or Alex. Why did he decide this would be a good idea for him? It was already worse that his love interest was Lillian, out of every goddamn brave human in this school, it just had to be Lillian. It was like the deity was dangling a Lillian pendulium in front of me, saying "Look what you'll never have."  
God. I could never understand my friends. Looks like my friends were slowing becoming paradoxes too, like Lillian. When you feel limerant towards someone, everything becomes them. Lillian was all the atoms in the universe. She was all the stars in the galaxies that were there billions of years before us. Lillian wasn't just fire. She was all of the elements. She was everything and anything. My everything and everything. It just seemed as though people loved getting in the way of that.


	6. Chapter 6

Fall break went by suprisingly slowly. Lillian posted twice throughout the duration of it. They were more senior pictures. Brandon was an avid participant in the "I Am A Junior And I Do Not Give A Shit So I Am Just Going To Show Up Occasionally To Things I Feel Are Important" campaign. After fall break was rehearsals for the musical, so Brandon thought it would be perfect to talk nonstop about it at lunch. 

"So, what the hell am I going to do about the dancing?" He asked. Everyone basically said things like "You go, dude" or "You'll do fine stop talking about it because you talking about your passions and not mine is something I get really irritated about, so I'm going to force you to stop speaking about something you love simply because I'm more important" but, I just shook my head. 

Then what happens next? Zoe sits down. Of-fucking-course. 

So, here's the thing about the Zoe Saga. Back in let's say somewhere around the beginning of Sophomore year, Zoe thought it would be great to ditch her GPA for a change, and keep making googily-eyes at Brandon in English when he wasn't looking, even though he noticed everything and has the superpower of making people feel guilty for not telling him these kinds of things. So, Zoe decided to tell him, they low-key started dating, like no one would notice her holding onto him like an Australian koala bear at my sixteenth birthday, and they decided to be the spokes-couple for "The Generation Of Undying Rock and Roll" which is basically a dramatic and titled way of saying "Let's preach about bands from any year but the years where we were alive, watch indie films, quote generic quotes we found off the internet to sound cute, make mix tapes that literally no one will listen to, eat pizza while we lay down on the floor when there is a couch two inches away but that's too mainstream, and looking at the stars and talk about the future even though it doesn't exist." Like I was going to witness this bullshit. Maybe it's bullshit because I know I'll never find someone to do all those things with. After all, I did fantasize about sitting in the auditorium with Lillian. Because that's such a creative and not-awkward idea of a fictitious first date. I guess Brandon or Zoe or some-fucking-one got tired of the cliche shit and they decided to - believe it or not - actually just be friends. Sure, things get awkward when we leave them two alone. Sometimes we all do it on purpose since their default is kissing or hugging or looking like the koalas I mentioned earlier, and it's kind of hilarious for all of us to watch. Zoe decided to turn into this girl-empowering spokeswoman on social media, and started to date this one guy who kind of stuck out, since he did sports and most of our gang looks like we came out of a pre-pubescent version of a Guitar Center catalogue. Brandon decided to join the musical. I decided to fall for Lillian. I guess we all did things we were going to regret this year. 

So Zoe sits down and tactfully makes sure she sits as farthest away from Brandon, just to make sure every goddamn human being in this school knows she isn't dating him. They're just friends. Not Koala Cuddle Buddies anymore. 

"So what are we doing after school today?" Zoe asked. 

Brandon, without even speaking, holds up the damn script for the musical. Because he thinks it's hilarious to rub in the fact that he'll be kissing Lillian and dancing with her in my face. 

"Okay, we don't need to see that." I say, biting into my probably-undercooked-chocolate-chip-cookie. 

"Shut the hell up, James. You're just jealous because I'm a better actor than you. You didn't even fucking try out." He rolled his eyes. Brandon always had this attitude-thing going on. Sometimes he did it so much you couldn't tell if he hated you or not. 

Then, Alec chimes in, thinking he's actually funny by saying "At least you don't have to dress as Santa for the school's Haunted House. I'm a fucking tiny-santa. For Halloween." 

"That's nice, Alec." I said. 

Then of all people, Zoe says "At least your boyfriend didn't blow you off for an after-party of a football game he lost." 

"That's nice, Zoe." Brandon says sarcastically, while waving his finger around his head, like a fucking halo. I don't think he ever fully got over her, and I think Zoe is just using this athlete guy as either a rebound downgrade of Brandon, or doing it to make Brandon jealous, for some God-forsaken reason.

As we are in the middle of talking, I notice Lillian walking up to put her trash away.

"James, why don't you just talk to her?" Zoe says. "That's how me and Brandon started out."

"And we all know how that ended." I immediately cut her off, not having any of her bullshit. "I'm not stupid for not taking the risks. It's easier to just watch from far away and not know the truth because it's better off for me to not know it."

"Well then you're a coward." Brandon says as he puts his coat back on. The man always walked around with his coat on, probably because he forgot his locker combination at the beginning of the school year.

"No I'm not, I just don't want to interfere with what is supposed to happen. If Lillian is supposed to end up with me, she will."

"Oh my god, you're so full of shit. You say this fatalistic bullshit just as an excuse to not make the first move. Just fucking talk to her, what's the worst that could happen?" Brandon says as he lays eyes on this girl who walks in the lunch line with her friends. No one knew who she was, but Brandon always looked at her. 

"Well, what about that girl, Brandon?" I yelled, and the entire table got silent. Everyone looked at her. 

Brandon's eyes got wide. "What do you mean?"

"You've been staring at that girl for at least two months and haven't said one word to her. Why don't you make a move and not be a coward?"

"Because I'm better off not knowing anything." Brandon said quietly as he got up and left.


	7. Chapter 7

"What do you think of Lydia?" This wild-eyed man with blonde curly hair asked us as everyone was walking out. Brandon practically made him look like a songbird next to a falcon by the height difference. Brandon's eyes shifted over this man's head and looked straight at the same girl we caught him staring at at lunch. 

"She's...nice." Brandon said softly. He always talked like he had something important to say. Not that anything wasn't important - most of it was - he was great at giving advice. He just always looked like he was about to change people's mindsets about life, or something philosophical like that. He always knew just the right thing to say to people, even if it's telling me that I'm hung up on a bunch of fatalistic bullshit and I just claim to say that as an excuse for me not to make a move with Lillian. The way Brandon gives advice, it has a push to it. I don't know if he does on purpose, or if he's pulling off some voodoo on people, but believe me, it works. Something just shifts in people's brains after he convinces them to do something , even the most meek of all have gained courage just from a few golden words from Brandon. So, what do I do after that lunch?

Well, after I see the apparent Lydia and this blonde guy hugging and walking out the door talking to each other, I see Brandon looking down at his phone, shutting his eyes so tightly, you would have to work a muscle - I didn't even know you could flex your eyelids to be shut so tight. Weird. Whatever he was thinking - it must have been painful to think about. Sometimes he was too hard on himself, even though he told others to have confidence. Then, I see Lillian, with her hair pulled up in a garden of flowers that was her bun. Her eyes sparkled as the fluorescent lights reflected off of them, and she wore emerald green, which I think that color looks the best on her. Honestly, she looked like a Greek Goddess. 

As all of us walk out, since Brandon felt the need to go home, we all walked out. I noticed that Zoe and her sporto weren't here, as usual. Zoe thought that walking out the doors with Brandon would be too close for her liking with an ex. So, she usually just did her homework while watching Sporto have his football practice. 

Then, that's when it happened. 

"I am so sorry!" The most delicate voice laughed as she picked up her books. It was such a cliche moment, how we both stared at each other as she picked up her books. It was something you would only see on real TV. 

"No, I am so sorry! My backpack shouldn't have smacked your books right out of your hands." I stumbled over my words, intimidated by her beauty. "Are you alright?"

"No, I'm so injured by your backpack whacking my books. My books need to go to the hospital. Of course, I'm okay." She said sarcastically. 

"Lillian." She said. It was like she completely forgot about the thing that happened in the computer lab. She's talked to me before. Apparently, we were pretending that never happened. 

"James." I smiled at her, while looking into her eyes. 

"See you, James." She walked out into the driveway, looking back at me for a single moment. 

Before I knew it, the rest of my friends were all gone. I guess I lost track of time.


	8. Chapter 8

Lydia

God. I hated hugging Cameron. The way he asked for one when we texted - he would only talk to Brandon if I gave him a hug. It was gut-wrenching to see him as we hugged. When really, the person I wanted to hug - was watching from across the hall. 

It was November. It's been so long since me and Brandon talked, I wanted to talk to him so bad but i could never find the right words to say. I felt so envious of all the people that were able to just walk up to him and say something, without the fear eating you alive. Thinking up ways to talk to him was like a scorpion's venom around your throat, silencing you from talking. I remember us high-fiving, the last time our hands touched each other. The way his hand was firmly grabbing my wrist as we ran and people cheered and clapped, it was all blurry to me now. It was like it never even happened. It was like a reoccurring dream that I couldn't stop thinking about day and night, every day for months on end, and it wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to make it go away. His eyes burned their way into my everlasting memory every time I closed my eyes. I remembered so much more of him than I should have. That was what was the hardest part of it all. 

I felt his eyes on me as I walked out, desperately wanting him to follow me. To grab my wrist to make me turn around and have him ask "Why aren't we talking? What the hell happened?" and then for me to stutter over my words and finally spit them out with my silver tongue, saying "I just didn't know what to say, I didn't know what you would say. Since the first day we actually talked, to the day where I first met you, you just had this element of mystery to you, and- God. I wish this wouldn't be so scary, but you're freaking perfect and it's intimidating and you haven't left my mind since late last month, and I feel like I'm going crazy--" and then for him to interrupt me with a kiss.

But, what the fuck am I thinking. This is reality. 

I remember the day we reached for the same pizza. I walked outside, and it was the most beautiful sunset, with the raindrops drizzled over the sidewalk, the magenta and lavender skies reflecting off of the pavement like mirrors. I remember thinking after we kissed, "Things like this just don't happen to people like me" but now I find myself thinking "Things like this just don't happen, period." 

And that's true. Timing is never right. Things always start to go awry. Brandon was a "what if". A huge one. What if I would have ran up to catch up with him because he was walking so fast, or what if I would have told him about that Smiths song or what if I would have just talked to him, period?

What if I walked up to him right now? What would he say? What would he do?

That was what sparked the scorpion venom. It was now a lion gnawing on my throat.


	9. Chapter 9

Zoe

     Ugh, I thought. It was freezing out here, and I thought my legs were going to get frostbite from sitting on the bleachers for two hours. I had to sit here and watch Mike (or as James calls him "Sporto" for no apparent reason) do football practice. I didn't really get the concept of football, nor did I really care, but I always showed up at his games to support him. Just like I do with all of my friends, it's just the right thing to do. I've finished every ounce of homework I could get my hands on, and I've even copied enough notes in English to cram for a final. 

     After Mike's practice, my arms were wrapped around his bicep as we walked out into the parking lot. The wind smacked itself against my black hair, and it was getting on my last nerve, but I still decided to manage a smile. All I really wanted to do was go home, actually. I still had work that I dreaded to do, and then the stressful schedule repeated itself all over again tirelessly. It was boring me not to death, but to reincarnation. 

     Mike could not stop talking about whatever happened out in the field, which I wasn't really paying attention, (I couldn't tell him that though or he would go off on me like last time) but I was trying to shorten the conversation by just trying to kiss him and get in the car. I really liked Mike and all, for we've been dating for a solid month, but I still had some getting used to after...the summer before.

     "Mike, can we talk later?" I ask politely as I see a familiar man I once knew getting into his silver car. 

     That man I once knew had the name of Brandon, and he was without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me...until I screwed it up.

     Long story short, timing was shit, the ending was coming sooner than we thought, and there was a blowup waiting to occur which I started, and it threw a year and two month's worth of beauty and happiness down the drain. He was fire, and I was flammable. A tragically beautiful pair, if you ask me. In the end, we both got burnt. 

     Brandon saw me and Mike by our car talking while I kept making glances at him. He raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips. He walked over. Shit, I thought. Turn around, Brandon, I kept saying to myself. I knew that he sucked at reading my mind, so of course, he kept walking over here. 

     "Hey,...Brandon." I said awkwardly. I could tell Mike was tense because he grabbed my hand immediately and squeezed it as hard as he could - I could almost feel the bones in my hands rubbing against each other like sandpaper. 

     "Hi." He said quietly and smiled a little bit. I don't know why he came over here, he knew everything that had happened between us. And, he knew Mike was here. "So..." He started off, trying to think of the right words to say. He started every conversation off like that. "You coming to the musical?"

     "We'll think about it, bro." Mike interrupted me before I was about to say "Of course, I wouldn't miss it even if I came in a wheelchair." 

     "We gotta head. See you, Brendon"  
     "It's Brandon." His eyes narrowed and looked back at me.   
     "Same thing. C'mon Zoe" Mike opened the car door for me.   
     "Hold on, Mike, I wasn't even done talking!" My blood was boiling with him today. What was his problem? We're just friends, now. JUST. FRIENDS.   
     Mike got in the car, probably because he has a short fuse and Brandon was only making it worse.   
     "You know, Zoe...I do forgive you for what you did."  
     "I can't forgive myself. And you give people too many chances. You forgive way too much. It just wasn't meant to happen, as much as I hate to say it." I looked at the ground, playing flashbacks of the all the times we would walk out to his car, on the same pavement. All our friends (the friends I missed dearly) laughing and smiling, without a care in the world. We only had to worry about when we were going to get paid and what was for homework. Now, I'm worrying about college visits and how much longer I can stand Mike. My "new" friends...well...they were new. They weren't there when I was with Brandon. The happiest year of my life. They weren't the same. They didn't have the quirkiness, the sarcasm, the loyalty, the security that my old friends did. To put it in a weird way, my old friends were like my children. That Brandon decided to take full custody of. And just have me pack my bags and move out. Hypothetically. 

     My new friends didn't show up to things I planned. I had to be the one to do all the planning in order for us to even spend time together, knowing I'll be included. My new friends never asked about Brandon. They just assumed it was a bad breakup. It never really was. We did say the famous and cliché "We can be friends", but it never really happened, as always. Brandon tries, but I don't because it's just too awkward. 

     God. That smile. It still got me. I couldn't bear to look at him anymore. Or else I would be going home, listening to Coldplay, and laying on my bed listening to my own heartbeat for hours, with just the dire agonizing feeling of missing something that already ended.   
    
     I had to stop this. It was over. I was Mike's. 

     "I guess I should be heading off." I said, to break the painful silence.   
     "Yeah. You should. See you..."  
     "Around." I said quietly. Knowing that saying soon would be getting our hopes up too high.   
     "Yeah...around." He looked at his shoes and smiled. He still wore his torn up vans. God, I missed him. I started to tear up. I still couldn't believe that after all this time I still had feelings for him.

     Cut it out, I thought to myself. It's over, and you'll be embarrassed if you start crying in front of him.   
       
     "Well, um..." I wiped my eyes quickly so he wouldn't notice and stumbled with my keys and books and quickly got in the car.   
     "Yeah...I gotta head."  
     "Bye."  
     "See ya." He walked casually to the car, swinging his keys, and looked back at me. I couldn't look back at him. He was my past. Mike was my future. 

     God, I was really going to have to get used to Mike.


	10. Chapter 10

Brandon

     Watching Zoe in the passenger seat of Mike's car killed me inside. She said it was for the best, but I honestly don't know if I'll ever get a love like that again. I've went over what I could have done wrong so many times. Maybe it was always asking where she was when I texted her or called her, or maybe it was how I got mad or paranoid when I saw her with another guy. Maybe it was how I secretly felt the pit in my stomach get deeper than the Grand Canyon when she would tease me about her liking other guys. Or how she would compare me to other guys, knowing how I've felt like a piece of shit for my entire freshman year of high school. I don't know anymore. I know I've made so many mistakes, so why is Zoe making it look like it's her fault? God, she knows how easily forgiving I can be. Sometimes people can take advantage of that. Not Zoe. She took all the blame, maybe to save me the 3 a.m. guilt, or so we still have an excuse for smiling and waving at each other in the hallways, but I don't know the answer. She just decided one day that I wasn't the one making her happy anymore. Or maybe I was too much. Maybe she got tired of the sunshine following her around no matter what roads she drove on, and just wanted to hide under a rain cloud for just a little while. 

     I saw Lydia walking past me in the hallway the next day. She always thought I never noticed her, but I did. If anything, she stuck out to me. Her hair was like fire, and her eyes looked so mysterious under her glasses. She was always so quiet around me now, but I remember when she would always walk by my side, showing off her witty humor to me. Her jokes were the stupidest I've heard, which was why they made me laugh. It's just that I don't know what to do when I'm around her. I chicken out. I get awkward. I'm afraid to express what made Zoe leave. No matter what she says, it was my fault. 

     I was talking to my friend, Ethan, and I snuck a glance at Lydia, like I do everyday. I knew she noticed, because I saw her glance at me, and then act like she didn't know who I was. It's not like I kissed her almost a hundred times or anything, or that she unknowingly was the one thing that made me happy a few months ago after Zoe. Lydia just had to start acting weird around me. Or maybe it was me.  Maybe I was the one who started acting weird. Because I do remember darting out of the room after our first kiss, me walking quickly, nervously playing with my keys, and her being trying her hardest to catch up with me. 

God, I am an idiot. 

     I guess Ethan didn't even notice my side glances, but my friends did notice her. I guess she was just a mystery to my friends. They always looked at her when she passed my lunch table. They looked at her when she passed them in the hall. When she walked out the door, my friends would ask me about her. I would always reply with "I don't know." Because we both didn't talk to each other. We both had the massive fear of being rejected or making a fool out of ourselves. 

     Now, here's what I think about the whole "James and Lillian" thing. I know I am a hypocrite, I'm not going to deny that. I know I have the same problem that James has, but I just have too much pride to admit that. James knows that he needs to make a move. When I was over at his house yesterday, he told me he believed that him smacking Lillian's books out of her hands and then saying their first names and goodbyes was making a move. I told him, "That's an antisocialite's idea of a move." 

     But, what do I know. I have the same problem. It's kind of hard to talk to someone you feel so frustrated towards. I'm angry at Lydia for not talking to me, but I'm also angry at myself for not talking to her first. I dove in the deep end with her, by starting our first conversation. She seemed so happy. I was actually happy for the first time in months. I'm also just so curious about her. Her wit, her journal that has scribbles of words I'll never read on the ragged cover. Her worn out vans. Her undoubtedly great music taste. But then I remembered how fickle she was. It always left me driving home, confused and lost in my contemplation. I would lay on my bed, staring at my boring ceiling for what seemed like hours feeling angry and confused one minute, and in awe the the next. It was like a pendulum of confused emotions. Then I would get the courage to go to the kitchen, grab a Mountain Dew, then listen to music so loud it could finally interrupt my thoughts that could be constant screams. Then the next day, I would see her face, forget everything that happened, and then we would be laughing and talking like we always did. 

"Are you and Zoe doing okay?" Ethan asked.

"I don't want to talk about it." I looked at my shoes as I hung my head down, walking in an eternal walk of shame.


	11. Chapter 11

Isaac

     Wake up. Eat bland oatmeal. Get Dressed. Watch the depressing news. Brush my thick black mess of hair. Listen to my mother yell at my younger sister for wearing too much eyeliner.  Listen to my dad lie about where he's going. Put on my glasses. Look at myself in the mirror and listen to my demons. Get in the car. Try to put headphones in before my mother violently yanks them out and tells me what college I should go to. Look in the rearview mirror and see my sister fiddle with her chipped black nails. Pull up to the school. Listen to Ethan talk, period. Listen to Brandon talk, world record. Listen to my teachers not care, and just wanting their paychecks. Listen to my art teacher tell me I'm depressed. Go home, watch my life be controlled before my very eyes, and then fall asleep. The entire cycle repeats, like a broken record. 

     It's like people ignore the obvious. Every single person controls what I do. I have no control. Then, I see Lydia. I know Brandon has this thing with her, I don't even know what it is. But, I know that none of us even dared to talk to her, except for Rachel. Lydia and Rachel have been friends long before any of us, so it's not like Brandon could just step in and say "Hey I screwed up with this girl, so none of us can talk to her because apparently she's a psychopath." Rachel would have slapped him upside the head. Me and my sister talk all the time about how things could be like if Brandon didn't chicken out, because that's basically what he did. Would they still end up together? Probably not, because there's still the whole Zoe thing that hasn't been straightened out for a whole two years. I just wish that all of this drama would go away. That Brandon would just end up with whoever he feels the happiest with. That everything would just run its course. That for once, I would stop being this puppet that has to smile for everyone, that has to do whatever my parents think is best for my life. It's all a waste if this is what life is like. 

    I see Lydia, and all those feelings go away, though. You could control my entire life, but nobody can control my thoughts. Those are all in my hands. Like after a test, when everyone else is bored. I can zone out at any time, and take myself to the time where I met up with Rachel, and she was singing with Lydia, and she looked right at me. Every time, I'm at a loss for words. I try to talk to Brandon about it, but he just keeps getting angry every time I even at least try to bring up the fact that I won't chicken out if Lydia was mine. 

     Nobody can stop me from wondering what's in her journal. From what those kisses with Brandon must have felt like. Personally, I wouldn't have ran away. I would have gladly walked with her and twirled my keys like a happy guy and say "Hey, that Smiths album was amazing." (Glad I know who they even are, Brandon's too modest of a rocker to even know the basics of indie. He tried.) Hell, I would have even tried holding her hand. No one can stop me from thinking about doing that. No one can stop me from thinking at our parties, with Zoe awkwardly standing in the exact same place we all took that picture, with Brandon's arms around her, with me wearing a stupid hat I got from the dollar store, and Ethan looking like he's about to kill somebody while he's awkwardly holding his guitar, I wonder what would Lydia be doing in that picture? Would she be looking at Brandon with googily eyes, like he said, or would Zoe be giving her the death stare because she views her as a homewrecker?  Or would she simply keep all of those feelings of confusion all bottled up in a jar, and just smile at the camera lens, and no one is even realizing the pain of the one she really loves standing in the picture with her? 

     What would Lydia be like if she knew me? If she talked to me? What would my life be like? Would I have the courage to not let people control me? Would my sister not look like a crying doll in the backseat of our car, would she be laughing, knowing she can do whatever she pleases in life? What would Brandon be like, knowing that for once he didn't do something right, and that there's something that he was too late to fix? 

What would all of us be like? It clicked when I saw her walk past me. She tried to act like she didn't know who all of us were. I knew she did. She knew who all of us were. She knew everything about us, and we knew everything about her. We were all just discreet about it once it was actually spoken about. But, in that moment, I knew. 

Lydia was that missing puzzle piece.


	12. Chapter 12

Rachel 

     Watching Ethan play the same freaking chord on the guitar over and over again got tiring for me. We were in the "party" room, covered with sports memorabilia, had instruments in the corner, a fridge filled with Mountain Dews, and two couches. We always played rock music, and Ethan always wanted to be in control of what was playing. It was something him and Brandon always argued about whenever he was over. 

     "When people are over, I want them to feel calm. Like they can sit down, not like they're about to go have an adrenaline rush." I remember Ethan saying when him and Brandon were watching a Marvel movie. 

     "It's not an adrenaline rush. It's emotions. Maybe you should try feeling them sometime." Brandon didn't really care if Ethan got hurt by his words, he was like that with everyone. Everyone knew when he was joking and when he wasn't. 

     "I just like to be calm, dude. Your playlist gives me mad anxiety." Ethan was...more chill, than any of us. Zoe was chill. I think I was the only one who still even talked to her. Who insisted on inviting her to parties, telling her that she can even invite Mike to make things less awkward. She would break out in an anxious sweat and freak out. It's like she had Brando-phobia. 

     One person I think who had more Brando-phobia than any person on the planet, is Lydia. After their falling out, she grew terrified of talking to him. When she was at my house, I walked in on her in hysterics and her thumb twitching to press the 'send' button to tell him a compliment. I was thinking "The guy feeds off of compliments, I don't think it'll be that bad." She closed her eyes and I pressed send for her. I even offered to give her his phone number. She started nervous laughing, and politely turned it down. 

     Lydia and I have so much in common, but she is nowhere close to chill. If anybody in our little group, she's most like Brandon. Their music tastes are questionable (Only Lydia and Brandon are the two people I know that would listen to a Disney soundtrack right after Nirvana's "Bleach" album.), they aren't ignorant at all, both very intelligent, both musically talented, both involved in performing arts, and both speak fluent sarcasm. I doubted Lydia knew about the Zoe thing, though. I think she would be scared and dragged back to reality if she did. Love blinds her so much. That's why she's scared. She's impulsive. That was what scared Brandon away. And, because he was probably confused about his own emotions at the time. I think he still is. But Brandon is also impulsive, and I honestly think if she actually did go foreword with dating him instead of running away scared of commitment, she would be the one confused and scared. 

     Ethan knew Lydia on a first-name basis. They never met, I think it would be awkward for the both of them if they did. Ethan only knew about Lydia from what I've told him - he knew nothing of her love for Brandon. I had ties with Zoe, so my friendship with Lydia around her was something I kept quiet about. Lydia only knew of Ethan from what I've told her - I would always go to her if we were doing rocky at the time. 

     "It's not supposed to give you anxiety," Brandon would always respond with. "It's supposed to make you feel something. Not all music is happy. It's anger. Pain. Sadness. Deep shit, you know? No one ever talks or sings or screams about that? I mean what do you listen to when you're pissed at somebody who won't start driving when the light turns green? Somebody who just broke your heart? Or when you're pissed at yourself?" 

     "Still salty about something, Brandon?" Ethan would ask. Brandon always just floated away in an angry tirade. Every emotion he felt, he felt it with a fiery torch. 

     "Nothing. Just open your mind, please. To music that makes you feel something." He would have finished his third Mountain Dew by this time. He had a problem. 

     "What about music that makes you feel love? I heard Rachel's friend loved Halsey's album..." I would sit back and listen by the fridge, knowing right in the frontal lobe of my mind that "Rachel's Friend" meant "Lydia". Ethan knew she was the girl that none of us spoke about, kind of like the devil guy in Powerpuff Girls that no one spoke of, they just called the devil guy "HIM". 

     "Never heard it." Brandon would always say. He was rarely fine in his cage of music, though - it was always open to new sounds. 

     To sum things up, I loved Ethan, and I wasn't going to sacrifice a great friend who's helped me through so much just for that, though. Sure, Ethan has introduced me to amazing friends, but friends are forever. Some love fades. I don't know, I'm as fickle as Lydia. I'm surprised Ethan hasn't noticed that. Or maybe, he doesn't mind. I hope he doesn't. Despite the Zoe thing, and Brandon's wild mind of confusion and Coldplay, if the circumstances between Lydia and Brandon were just different - maybe just classmates in some poetry class (Lydia had endless poetry of Brandon, poetry she was terrified of him ever knowing about...again, "Brando-phobia") or bumping into each other in the hallway like how James and Lillian met, (I still didn't know how they were doing.) they could have been something beautiful. She could have been the air that ignites his fire. Not the water that puts it out, like Zoe did. After all this thinking in my head, I realized that once the water put out the fire, the fire was gone - Brandon in this huge depression. You could barely light a match without the rain quickly going out. But what was there, was smoke. And smoke was air. The air was Lydia. 

     Ethan and I were sitting on the couch in the party room, where we always hung out after school. Lydia and Brandon and everything that happened between them were stuck in the back of my mind. 

     "Hey, Ethan?" I asked. He looked up from his phone. 

     "What?" He asked.

     "What are we going to do about the whole Zoe and Brandon thing?"

     "Please don't meddle, Rach. They can figure it out."

     "Well, I just don't think it'll be the same again. Do you know Lydia?"

     "What about her?" His eyebrows furrowed. He got up and picked up his guitar, sat back down, and started softly strumming.

     "There's something only I know about her. She says Brandon knows, but I don't think he knows even the half of it, honestly. Since I'm the only one who talks to her. Don't tell him what I'm about to say, because Lydia thinks I only know, and that Brandon knows the basics of it."

     "Is it too complicated for me to get?" Ethan said. He was making up the chords as he went. 

     "Not really. Lydia just makes it out to be, so I'm just used to it being complicated, I guess." I looked at him strumming his guitar. It was so soothing to listen to. 

     "Just say it, Rach. What's going on?" He said. 

     There was a long pause before I could muster up the courage to say it. It's been such a sacred thing between Lydia and I since I can remember. For countless months. It was too strange for even me to hear it out loud. Even just us saying Brandon's name was sacred when we talked. 

     "Lydia loves Brandon." I finally said. Right there, in that moment. Ethan stopped playing the guitar. He looked at me. His face was in shock.


	13. Chapter 13

Lydia

     I'm not a cliche. I don't want somebody who agrees with everything I say. He doesn't agree with fan fiction because he believes it interferes with the natural order of the story. However, i disagree. I actually write fan fiction. I try to make it seem like it was never meant to interfere actually. 

    But, there's some things we have to have in common. We both could listen to vinyl forever. We both turned out to love the same songs. We both get extremely irritated when people wear band shirts just for the fashion. It's dangerous for both of us to be in isolation for too long. Or our thoughts could eat us alive. If we were together, we could save each other, but I don't think it works like that. 

    We both get pretty lonely. He's perfect. I can never stop looking at him. I've written poems about him. So much to where I could get them published into a book that he'll probably never read unless it's a comic book. He watches kid movies and critiques cartoons. I'm pretty sure he has a sugar addiction because of the Mountain Dew he drinks constantly. I know deep down he wants to perform in front of an audience. He hates being ignored, and I screwed it up because I just had to pay close attention from far away instead of talking to him, like any normal person would. But, I'm not normal and I hope he knows that. There's times where I get fickle, where I don't know what I want. I'm the wind, I go wherever I please. But sometimes I get lost, and in the winter the wind gets cold and I just don't know how to make a fire. Even when it's raining, when I see him put his guitar in the backseat and drive away, he's enough to be the sunshine. 

     People tell me that he's a misfit, that I can do better, but they're superficial. I want the flaws. I want the rawness of a real person. I will take all of it, the ups and downs. I will sacrifice and swallow the need to be fickle. Being fickle is petty, anyway. I will now take the chance and talk to him. He just said that he's excited for the new memories to come. He said he won't forget our past, ever. I won't forget it, either. I said it was amazing. It seems the only thing holding me back is my own fear, and he's wandering alone, wondering where the hell I am. I am here. i just got lost in the coldness after the aftermath of a forest fire. 

     We'll be talking again. I'll be telling him about my day, and we'll be sharing glances and smiles. Maybe I'll see the way his eyes show a hint of gold when the sunlight hits it. Who knows? Maybe we'll have more kisses to count. 

     I don't care how it plays out, but all I know is that no matter the cost, he's fucking worth it. And I love him. With every fiber in my body. And I know there's other girls who have so much more to offer. But is poetry and pizza enough? I've been wasting time trying to get my shit together. 

     He's worth it. I love him

     I love him.

     I love him. 

     

     I love him.


	14. Chapter 14

     Okay. So I guess I was feeling a little pissy today, since I screwed everything up and Brandon saw completely past me in the hallway. Whatever. I even waved. But nope, he was looking down and smiling at his phone. I don't know why I ever thought I was that important to him. For all I know, I'm a has-been.

     After school, I was sitting on the bench I usually sit at, waiting for the traffic to dye down when I saw a black backpack being shoved on the ground next to mine. I looked over and it was Brandon who sat beside me. I was still in utter shock that it was really him but since he came over to me it made me a little less nervous. Once you approach him and actually start talking with him he's actually calming. That's one of the things I love about him. 

     "Hey!" I said merrily as I'm pretty sure my eyes were twinkling at his face and smiled widely. He just raised his eyebrows, smiled, and did his famous hair flip and sat down next to me. 

     "We haven't talked in a while..." I said as I stared out into the parking lot. I was too scared to look in his eyes and say that to him. 

     "Yeah...Things have been crazy. I've just been so busy and..." He trailed off as he played with his keys. He was fidgety like me so he did that a lot.

     "For six months?" I asked. I needed to address this. We've just been ignoring each other for so long I just needed to tell him everything. Just forget he was there for a minute and vent. 

      "I guess...to be completely honest it's not like you talked to me either." I could feel him looking at me. My heart dropped. Oh, God. It was really happening. 

     I got silent. My throat got so tight it wouldn't allow me to speak. I could feel my face being red. I could feel him noticing, too. 

     "You alright?" He asked. 

     "Oh, so now you notice that there's something wrong?" I started to yell as I was trying to hold back my tears. Please, dear God, don't make me cry in front of him. 

     "Woah, okay something is wrong. You were never like this before. What happened?" He turned his torso completely to be facing me. I could feel his eyes on me. I quickly cleared my throat to try to make the tears disappear before they slipped out. 

     "Nothing. It's hard to explain. I shouldn't say it. I'm sorry." I tried to make things up for me taking my anger on him. Bottling my feelings was what I did best and it was the best thing for me to do. 

     "No, tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone." He softened his voice. God, it was so quiet. My love for him was making this so much harder. 

     "It's not really like that...please, Brandon I really don't want-"

     "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong, I'm worried."

     "Why would you be worried, it's not like you cared before." I had to keep looking away. I could feel him looking away. I know he wanted to just leave me there. I just know. 

     "Whatever. You don't know me anyways." He said as he got his keys and bag and started to get up.

     "Look, I can't tell you the truth because it's humiliating and everybody knows and I don't want to screw up." I already knew I was starting to cry. I was praying he wouldn't notice.

     "Well then how can I help you?" He almost raised his voice. "God, I'm just being nice. That's all I'm doing, I just wanted to check on you because you always look lonely and I feel so bad every time I drive away and we haven't talked in forever!" He went in a tirade. The thing was that I knew exactly what he was talking about. He walks on knives for people only then to see them unsatisfied. 

     I was just happy with him being here. I loved him. I started to cry. 

     "You have no idea how much I want to tell you but I just can't, I'm scared!" I cried looking at him. 

     "Why?" 

     "I can't tell you that either." I sat back down. He sat with me. I never expected him to stay. 

      "Yes you can. If it helps, just forget I'm here and imagine you're talking to a wall."

      "You do know you could potentially hate me if I told you?" I closed my eyes tightly. 

      "Why would I hate you?" My heart fluttered yet shattered. "Alright. Tell me."

     There was a silence. He began to disappear. I imagined I was looking at a sheet of paper, about to write something simple in my journal. 

     "I like you. I've liked you since we first talked and for eight long months I could never stop thinking about you and I still can't. I've tried and it's impossible. I know that you don't feel the same, and I know that this is childish and stupid since there obviously wasn't anything there to begin with, but I'm sure once you graduate I'll find a way to get over it somehow and move on with my life. Just please, don't hate me or ignore me like you did before. But, also, don't lead me on because that's kinda what happened last time and...let's just say I was walking on a knife for him and he just...yeah. I'm so sorry. I ruin everything." A tear slid down my face, knowing this is probably the end of the story for me and Brandon. 

     He got extremely quiet and it scared me. I didn't open my eyes until he spoke. 

     "I like you too." He said. "And I know you like me. I'm just happy for you to say it." I opened my eyes and my heart immediately started pounding. This was not happening. I looked over at him and he was smiling. (I didn't feel ready to tell him that I loved him yet even though I wanted to so badly.)

     "You just see me as a friend." I wiped my eyes and looked down. 

      "Hey. Look at me." He touched my shoulder. "Would I do this if I just saw you as a friend?"

      He kissed me. It was actually nothing like before. It felt real. 

      He kept touching my hair and kept his face close. He kept looking at me. I was still in shock and could not believe that this was happening. 

     "Unless you had to...you know..." I didn't know what I was saying whenever I looked into his eyes. 

      "It's not like that anymore." He smiled. 

     "What do you mean?" I asked.

     "I'm kind of asking you out, I guess. I don't know. I'm socially awkward." He laughed and I laughed too. 

      "I know. You told me." I smiled. feeling his arm around my shoulders felt so nice. It was something I thought I'd be imagining forever. 

     "S'okay though because you're socially awkward too." He looked over and smiled at me. "You never answered me when I socially-awkwardly, kind-of asked you out." 

     "Yes. I would love to go out with you." I don't think I've ever smiled that wide before. I have him now. And he has me. Things have finally all worked out and fell into place. Finally. 

      God, his smile was beautiful.

     We just sat there, on that same bench, looking out into the parking lot. I rested my head on his shoulder. The air was chilly. 

 

       "So..." He said. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow." The one phrase that started this perfect canvas of madness.

      "Yeah." I smiled. "I guess so."


	15. Chapter 15

Now I know what all of his friends were telling me about. Zoe. We barely talked but I know what she was agitated about. Sometimes I even believed Brandon was more fickle than me. One day he wouldn't get his arm off me, the next he would act like we never even met. He would always ask me who I was texting, who was that guy I was talking to when he just opened the door for me, and give the death stare to any guy that even looked at me longer than three seconds. It was a nuisance, but I learned how to cope with his mannerisms. I knew that he just cared about me, and wanted me all to himself. 

But, that didn't mean that I wasn't still going to see my best friends. One of which, happens to be a man. I didn't have time for jealousy, I thought it was petty, to me. But, he got jealous extremely easily. And, I made that clear to him. That was another thing, though. Sometimes, he didn't even listen.

It was a Friday night. He had taken me to a scary movie with his friends. Rachel and Ethan decided to tag along, and we went as a double-date. He drove me home, not saying a word. Would barely say anything to me after the movie. I spent the entire time not even paying attention to the movie, but what I did wrong that made him seem so distanced and angry with me.  
      I still think about November 4th. Almost every single day, since it happened. The day we first kissed. Then, he walked away, as fast as he could, clearly wanting to be away from me. I couldn't catch up, he slammed the door in my face without saying a word. Confusion still takes over me - it was Brandon who told me to kiss him. So the next day I swallow my fears and just do it. Then, he stops talking to me. We high-fived our goodbyes... and now here we are. Just pretending like I wasn't emotionally scarred from all the damage he caused me. He had full control over my heart and my feelings and he knew it - he took advantage of it.  
      "Why won't you talk to me?" I asked him as we were in the car.   
      "What do you mean? I'm fine. Stop asking how I'm feeling." He kept his eyes on the road and clenched his jaw. I knew he was angry. He did too. He just had too much pride to show that he had some kindness.  
     "No you're not. Maybe I actually care, for once. Have you ever thought about that? Whatever, just please take me home. I want to go home."  
     "I need to get my guitar... I'm going to Ethan's house to practice. You're not going home quite yet."   
     "Please... you can drop me off, if it isn't too much to ask?"  
     "NO. It's out of the way, and I'm not wasting fuel on this car. It's already falling apart."  
     "Don't be so dramatic.." I rolled my eyes as I looked out the window.  
     "I'm dramatic? What about you when you told almost everyone you were in love with me a few months ago? Huh? What about that? You think I would have never found out?"  
     "Please, you're probably flattered. That's why you did what you do best. You lured me in, got me hooked, and then ripped my heart out."   
      I started to cry. He pulled in his driveway. He was swinging his keys around arrogantly.  
      "Wow. You really aren't the person I thought you were."  
     "And you weren't the person I thought YOU were!"   
     "What do you mean, Lydia? I didn't change. The only change I've did is for the better! You're still sad about shit that I didn't even mean!"   
      "Can you please get your head out of your ass for one minute and not be a narcissistic asshole? You did change. For the worse. The Brandon I met, with the hair in his face and the quiet shy eyes and the band shirt? The one who talked to me? Who didn't treat me like I'm a doormat ready to be walked on? I loved him. He made me more happy than I ever thought I would be. The one standing in front of me? With the blue jacket and the cut hair and the one that's crossing his arms because he thinks he has some sort of power over me? He won't leave me alone. He won't let my mind be. You told me to have some confidence. And I did. And now you don't want me to. So you can manipulate me. And you can control how I feel to get your way. I feel so trapped, Brandon, why are you doing this? I love you, but I know in my heart that the one I met left you completely... and now I'm scared. I'm weak. I'm lonely. I'm empty."   
      I guess I was crying so loud, his sister walked out in her pajamas and her eyes were wide. She looked so much like Brandon it wasn't even funny. She was beautiful. Like him.   
     "Katie, please...I won't be long." He said with a softer voice. "I just need to get my guitar."  
She closed the door.  
      "You're beautiful. I love you. You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. When you put your arms around me and hold my hand I feel myself falling harder. I can't stop thinking about you. But I have to." Tears formed in my eyes. "I can't let you control me like this." 

      The most frightening part is, he looked like he was about to smile.


End file.
